My brain is being ripped to shreds

My Brain is being ripped to shreds

Have you ever felt like your brain is being ripped to shreds?

That anything you've ever thought or said is suddenly being questioned.

Not only by others but you start questioning every single thing yourself. 

Is this 'well' me or this the illness speaking?

You find things online you relate to more than anything.

And you question the professionals and the diagnoses.

But is a diagnosis even a diagnosis?

Maybe everyone is wrong.

Maybe everything is wrong.

You don't trust anyone.

You don't trust yourself.

You don't know if a thought is yours or the monster inside your heads.

Everything is being over analysed and it feels like your brain is being ripped to shreds.

Have you ever felt like your brain is being ripped to shreds?

That it's an all consuming black cloud, thoughts racing.

But the same thoughts over and over and over.

You can't escape the thoughts in your own head.

It's like you have 2 minds and one is constantly at war with the other. 

But you also know that one mind is infecting the other.

Drip by drip by drip. 

Then there comes a surge and you'll all consumed by darkness.  

Darkness that will not leave.

That there's only 1 way out and that's death.

So you dance with death. 

Overdosing, ligaturing, cutting deep.

And your dance with death, you don't know if it's yours or the monster inside your heads.

Everything is darkness and it feels like your brain is being ripped to shreds.

Have you ever felt like your brain is being ripped to shreds?

Like there's claws within your mind.

Clawing out the hope, clawing out the life, the light.

Things are never settled, there's a constant battle. 

You don't even know what 'well' looks like anymore. 

There have been far too many masks that have been worn.

Fake fake fake people scream, the monster screams. 

It's like they've put a tap in the back of your head, all hope has been drained out. 

You don't know who you are anymore because 'you' has been all clawed out.

Hope is non existent because of the monster inside your head. 

It's like claws in your head and it feels like your brain is being ripped to shreds.

Have you ever felt like your brain is being ripped to shreds?

You say too much and they think you're too capable.

But that's not always truth, for me it's like I'm being plagued by guilt. 

Guilt because this bad friend, sister, daughter,

This bad youth worker, nanny, Christian has caused endless trouble, turmoil and upset.

Selfish is a label I definitely bear. 

The guilt stops me, sometimes, but other times it doesn't win.

And so then you end up feeling guilty about feeling guilty.

And you don't know if the guilt is yours or the monster inside your heads.

And it's darkness and it's turmoil and it feels like your brain is being ripped to shreds.

Have you ever felt your brain is being ripped to shreds?

Because I have.
Have you ever felt like you have a monster inside your head.
Because I have.
Every single day. 
I wish it could stop.
I wish it would stop. 
I wish you could stop it.
I wish I could stop it.
Because it feels like hell.
When there's a monster inside your head.
When your brain is being ripped to shreds.


Written by Steph Corris - 11th June 2019 - whilst inpatient