Wednesday 17 July 2019

28

28

28 is drawing near,
and yes I am completley full of fear.
27 has been hard,
actually that’s the understatement of the year. 
How can I celebrate a year more? 
When every single breath is such a chore. 
26 & 27 were bad enough.
How can I be hopeful for 28? 
28, I want to scream “come at me.” 
All I long for is for my mind to be free. 
This time I’ll spend my day in hospital.
But it’s been decided here is safe. 
With the fear of facing another year, like this. 
If I go now, I’m nothing you’ll miss. 
My chest is tight with anxiety 
And my mind full of intrusive thoughts.
If 28 can’t teach me to control this mess
Then I’ll make heaven my permanent address
I cannot deal with another year of torment.
The stuff my mind puts me through on the daily.
You couldn’t even make this up
I’m constantly telling the monster in my head to “shut up.” 
If growing older has taught me anything 
It’s taught me that life is tough 
But ultimately I’m slowly learning that I am too. 
Inspired by Brooke, Maddi, Tracy, Perry, Tori, Debs - my psych ward crew. 
I’m holding onto a thread of hope. 
Clinging on with just my little finger. 
Some days it feels enough to get me to 28.
Other days I just can’t get past the next calendar date. 
28, oh you fill me with terror. 
28, I’m so scared of what you’ll throw at me. 
27 has been tougher than tough
28, I beg you, please, give me a new lease of life. 
28, please give me freedom, peace of mind and hope. 
Just a little more hope.
28, please, please, please save me from my own mind. 
28, even if I just whisper “come at me”
Please let that be enough.
I don’t have enough fight and I don’t have enough energy to shout. 
Please let the whisper be enough, 28. 
28, Thursday, I will get through this. I must.