I am learning

I am learning

The noise is loud, beyond what you would expect from a 16 strong crowd. 

Your brain is a fog, above your head is a big black cloud. 

There is a new person in and a new person out practically everyday in this place. 

Concentrating on God in here, and focusing on His grace. 

It seems an impossible task. 

There isn't anyone who can continually wear their mask.

There is a mixture of people, a mixture of personalities. Sometimes they clash.

Friendships have begun and gone in a flash. 

The characters change, depending on mood. 

We gather together only for food. 

But other than that it's fractured. 

The conversations, the situation feels completely manufactured. 

People in, people out, people on section, not allowed out

People as informal, some of whom like to make a shout. 

People are ill, sometimes it's plain to see,

Other times they seem so free. 

It's not all sitting and crying. 

There is laughter too, it doesn't feel like every soul here is dying. 

Fun is had amongst the tricky situation. 

There's time to gel with people, and to embrace God's creation.

The stories told and untold are sometimes shared, but people choose how much they talk. 

Sometimes revealing their story as you, together, take a walk. 

The boredom is bad, there are puzzles, colouring and an empty garden. 

Oh, but if you are allowed you can have access to the 'therapy' garden. 

Do some basketball, ping pong or relive the childhood with Connect 4. 

Or just enjoy the Chichester sun with a sunbathe on the floor. 

Appointments are sporadic & without warning.

They sometimes are just sprung on you in the morning. 

You get told to see the doctor, the psychologist, the OT. 

The appointments are random, but theres a common thread, they're all about me.

The therapy room is relaxing but only open at a certain time. 

There is no routine, no plan, no communication, just what feels like an up hill climb.

Arriving was scary, you don't get told everything and you have to learn as you go.

But it's hard you know, 

to ask or say hello when your anxiety is sky high. 

New meds, changed meds, meds removed, meds that make you feel like you can fly.

You have to try and understand drug names,

and learn how to enjoy your leave even when it rains. 

You are called in for your meds, breakfast, lunch, tea and night. 

This is a big battle, I'm not sure I'm ready for this fight.

They don't wake you from your nap when dinner is served. 

Isn't this whole situation, this nightmare, completely and utterly absurd. 

I don't understand my brain at the best of times but I'm learning.

I make myself a promise, not sure if I can keep it, but I WILL NOT be returning.

I'm learning to just have time. 

Bored as I am. 

Hurting as I am.

I am learning. 

Written by Steph Corris - April 2019 - whilst inpatient