Expectation vs Reality

Expectation vs Reality

Expectation is that I'll feel ready by Tuesday to go home.

Reality is that despite the support around me I'll still feel alone.

Expectation is that I could take my own life when no one is around.

Reality is that, her on jade ward, the likelihood is that I'll be found.

Expectation is that it's easy to talk to staff when you have something to say. 

Reality is you'll hide in your bedroom attempting to pluck up the courage all day.

Expectation is that I'll be completely honest with what my brain is doing. 

Reality is I'll do my best at hiding all the emotions that have been brewing. 

Expectation is that there is hope and that I can dig out hope from deep within me. 

Reality is I can no longer find any anywhere, hope is something I can't see.

Expectation is that I can keep myself safe here.

Reality is 2 ligature attempts in 2 days as I shed a tear.

Expectation is that recovery starts after I leave this place. 

Reality is that I'm unsure if I even want to be in this race.

Expectation is that I won't be able to laugh or smile.

Reality is that it is possible to do these things once in a while.

Expectation is that I can ask for help when I'm finding things hard.

Reality is that the struggle I've faced has left me permanently scarred. 

Expectation is you will make improvements whilst on this ward.

Reality is that you spend most your time here just feeling bored. 

Expectation is when you leave, you leave ready to fight.

Reality is there is none left within me, even when I try with all my might. 

Expectation is family and friends are enough to stop you. 

Reality is nothing is enough anymore, if only they knew.

Expectation is hard. Reality sucks. 

And Reality vs Expectation is bloody difficult for anyone to comprehend. 

Written by Steph Corris - 22nd May 2019 - whilst inpatient