BPD Diagnosis
During my first admission into psychiatric hospital the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder or emotionally unstable personality disorder was talked about in one of my ward rounds. Ward round happens weekly and a nurse from the ward, yourself and the psychiatrist meet together to discuss your admission, how you’re doing, discharge, medication and diagnoses. This was when BPD was first thrown in the mix for me. However it was mentioned by a doctor who had only met me in one ward round and wasn’t the normal psychiatrist I saw in ward rounds and therefore I dismissed the thought of this as a diagnosis straight away.
It was during my other admissions following that one that I was given the official diagnosis of BPD and first I wasn’t happy or convinced that it fit my problems at all. I knew I suffered with anxiety, depression and OCD but this extra diagnosis just didn’t seem to be me. I hadn’t suffered trauma as a child and my parents had done a great job of raising me and my sisters. At first, all I knew about BPD was that most people that suffer from it have experienced trauma as a child. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me and I didn’t get on too well either so I just decided at the beginning that he was wrong and so he put BPD traits as my diagnosis rather than just straight out BPD.
During another admission on the same ward, with the same doctor he changed it to BPD and at first again I was not happy or convinced. But I started to research BPD a bit more and discovered whilst a large number of sufferers have experienced trauma you don’t have to have to be diagnosed. At this point I was starting to realise some of the things I could relate to and that maybe the psychiatrist had been right, although it still pains me to say it! They say you must experience at least 5 of of following to be diagnosed so I will go through each one and say how I relate to it. These were taken from the Mind website, the link is below.
- You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.
- For me, fear of abandonment is there but it’s not extreme.
- You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).
- This is true for me some of the time, again I wouldn’t say I experience this to the extreme.
- You don't have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you're with.
- My self esteem and sense of who I am waivers quite a lot. In some circumstances I feel very confident about who I am and what I do, other times I feel like a complete failure of a person, who I dislike very much.
- You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.
- This isn’t true for me.
- You feel empty a lot of the time.
- This isn’t true for me.
- You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugsor driving dangerously).
- This isn’t true for me at all.
- You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.
- I have only started to recognise that some of my feelings I experience strongly are anger.
- When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.
- I have experienced both of these in crisis before.
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/about-bpd/
Being diagnosed with BPD, for me, was quite a long, stressful and challenging process and time. At first I completely disagreed with the diagnosis but I agree with it now and realise that knowing what I am struggling with is only going to help me improve my life and work through the challenges that BPD presents. Many people think those with BPD are manipulative and challenging in relationships with short tempers and challenging behaviour but I urge anyone to just get to know the person, rather than jumping to any conclusions. BPD does not define a person but if you struggle with it, recognising that you do, can be the start of your journey to recovery as you learn more about you and how your mind works.
One Year
One year ago today my life changed. I went to a gig in Brighton with my friend Keturah, I socialised with people, I enjoyed myself, I had a smile on my face and I laughed. But nobody knew what I had planned for that night, I planned to take my own life. Thankfully I found some bravery somewhere deep down and I told Keturah how much I was struggling, and what my plans for that evening were. She had no idea. Nobody would have.
At this point she demonstrated how amazing a friend she was as she sat with me in A&E for hours on end waiting to see the psych liaison team to decide where to go from there. She sat with me until the early hours as I cried and as I grew more and more weary and unwilling to stay any longer. At a certain point Keturah had to leave me and I was given a bed in CDU, the clinical decisions unit. Nobody else knew what I was going through at this point, I hadn't yet found the bravery to tell my family.
The next day, I dug deep for the confidence to share what was going on with my sister. The rest of my family didn't even know I'd been struggling with my mental health at this point. My sister was an absolute life saver and communicated all that I wanted with the rest of my family.
It was decided, by the psych liaison team that a stay in psychiatric hospital would benefit me, as the state I was in with self harm and suicidal thoughts was life threatening.
I spent much of my time in CDU sat in the corner of my room on the floor crying or having panic attacks, the other part of my time I paced the corridors. There was only one person successful in helping me up from my crying, screaming state on the floor and that was a nurse called Jess. Jess helped me literally pick myself up from the floor and start to turn my life around.
After a couple of days in CDU, I felt unable to stay and tried to leave. It was at this point the psych liaison team sectioned me on a 5.2 (72 hour section) for my safety. They thought that if I left I would try and harm myself or take my own life. After 6 days in CDU I was given a bed in a psychiatric ward in Chichester, 36 miles from home. I ended up staying in Chichester for a month before moving to a more local unit.
What followed in the last year has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, of admissions into hospital, of suicidal thoughts and attempts, of self harm, of both speaking out and of bottling it all in. I never thought my year would turn out how it did, but I shall remember this year for the rest of my life.
But this year, I've learnt so much. I've learnt about myself, I've learnt how to dig deep and find the bravery and confidence to speak out when I'm struggling. I've cried tears I thought would stay bottled up forever and I've fought intrusive thoughts, urges, rituals and compulsions like I was in a war. I've hurt myself far too often and I've left scars on my skin forever, but I've also grown. I've grown into this 28 year old woman who can speak up about suicide, self harm, anxiety, BPD and OCD. I've grown in confidence and I've grown in bravery.
One year ago today my life changed. I went to a gig, I socialised with people, I enjoyed myself, I had a smile on my face and I laughed. But nobody knew what I had planned for that night, I planned to take my own life. Thankfully I found some bravery somewhere deep down and I told someone, and that was the bravest thing I've ever done in my life. Nobody would have had any idea I was struggled but because I spoke out I received help that I so needed at that point.
Please reach out if you are struggling, it might just save your life.
Please speak to people if you think they are struggling with self harm or suicidal thoughts, it might just save their life.
One Year On
One year on,
Since my freedom was thieved from me,
I was sectioned and taken away.
One year on,
Since I was picked up from the hospital floor,
Screaming and Crying 'make it stop.'
One year on,
Since the voices in my head got too loud,
haunting me and scaring me.
One year on,
Since I first screamed someone please help me,
admitting to my struggles and revealing it to everyone.
One year on,
Since death seemed the only option to get me out,
where living was only going to hurt me.
One year on,
Since suicide seemed attractive to me,
my only escape and way out
One year on,
Since I was hospitalised in a psych ward & checked up on,
every hour through a small window in the door.
One year on.
Since the voices were loud enough to be called torture,
the harming myself considered fatal.
One year on,
Since the counting, the rituals, the compulsions,
reached out of control.
One year on,
Since all of this and more,
my life changed, flipped, was turned upside down.
One year on,
Since so much has changed again,
Finally everything, the intensity is less
And I keep living instead of dying.
