No fight

To continue to fight is just too hard

I have spent too much of my life on guard

From my feelings, from my past

I don’t know how much more of this I can last. 

I’m trying, I’m trying hard, I really, really am

Maybe you don’t see it, maybe you don’t give a damn.

The man, this horrible man, must go away

Please, please, please I try and pray

I have no tears, I cannot cry

It’s not any more, but my life was a big fat lie. 

I’m too honest now for my own good

Probably saying far too much than I should.

He haunts me every day with what’s in my head,

The images, the videos fill me with dread. 

They are from a horror film I swear 

Of all the people of whom I care. 

The incidents I have are me losing a bit of the fight

Even if you don’t see them as ‘right.’ 

You’re annoyed, you’re frustrated a lot

I wish you’d just leave me be, to just rot. 

I’m on these stupid 10 minute obs. 

Reminding me of all the freedom that mental illness robs. 

I don’t have leave, but I need to get out.

You’re upset when my distress results in a shout.

I need to harm myself, it might help, I tell you 

But you say “we can’t let you do that, you’ve got to get through.” 

We’re going round in circles, again and again, round and round. 

In this place I guarantee you, no hope is found. 

My heart has been ripped to shreds as I battle this war

I don’t know who I am any more, even down to my very core. 

You think I’m out to physically hurt the team

Even though that’s what it might seem

It’s not the truth. I told you yesterday

But hurting myself, yes, that is the only way. 

You

You

 The fear is big today, 

Too complicated to even say, 

You are in control now,

In my head, me and you have many a row.

You dictate my risky moves,

And 10 percent of the day I lose. 

My want to die to is so strong,

I don’t follow all the rules and everything is wrong. 

I don’t want to listen to you, 

I want to go a day where I just get through.

But you are oh so loud, 

And the things I do don’t make me proud.

You are in control and I don’t like it.

I’m at the bottom of the deep and very dark pit.

Rock bottom has a basement and I didn’t even know.

This is now, for my life, all I have to show. 

A lifetime of anxiety and a bunch of years in and out, risky and done. 

This is not a life to live for, this has been the complete opposite of fun. 

You can go away now please

I’m begging you now, I’m on my very knees. 

You haunt me, abuse me, murder him, murder her. 

I now wait for all these horrible things to occur.

It fills me with dread,

It fills up every inch of my head.

Please, please, please, I need to be gone, it’s my time I swear. 

I need to save them and protect them, there’s only 1 way, I’m sorry it’s going to end this way. I know it’s not fair.

But you win, 

I’m well and truly in the bin.