Professionals

 Professionals 

The knock at the door, the sound rages through me as I wait for another professional to claim they know my brain better than I do. The entry into the room, the walk into the room having made their decisions and assumptions about you just by reading your notes and not by actually listening. The sitting on the chair, the conversation that has played out in their heads but going off in a completely different direction than they thought it could. The leaning in, the accusations that you don’t really want to die and that every time you reach for help makes you a little less suicidal or your risk a little lower. The conclusion, decisions still not made, people still not being heard, listening but not actively listening, Mental health acts called, crisis teams refused. The end, everyone’s unhappy with the outcome. I want to be dead, they want me to “work with them.” So there is no happy ending to this story because I’m still waiting for what I want and them waiting for what they want. 

32

 I wrote this in July 2023 on my 32nd birthday.

32

Today is my 32nd birthday.

In some ways I don’t know what to say. 

I’m on a section three.

I’m so far from what I’d call free. 

I get a few hours leave tonight.

I have to keep that constantly in sight. 

Saturday is a celebration with my team. 

To the world, all positive, it will seem.

I do know though, that the aftermath with be rough 

The comedown, with the return to the ward will be tough

The want to be alive isn’t within reach right now. 

I honestly don’t know what to do, or even how. 

To survive the next day, week, month, year.

In a life filled to the brim with sadness, darkness and fear. 

But I’m trying to look forward, to hold some hope.

Because in the last years even if it hasn’t seemed it, I’ve just about managed to cope. 

I don’t know when I’ll get out of this place. 

Because it’s then that life in all its scariness I will have to face. 

There will be a day in the future when my mental illness will leave me be and not attack. 

So today as it’s my birthday I’ll be concentrating on looking forward, but first let’s have a little look back. 

Please know 31 hasn’t all been bad.

Though I’m leaving my 31st year pretty sad. 

There’s been friends, a new pet rabbit and a hired hot tub. 

There’s been theatres, restaurants and the pub. 

There’s been family, flamingos, love and care. 

There’s been cocktails, hotels, pink and blonde hair. 

There’s been play parks and nieces, nephews and sisters. 

There’s been cuddles, reunions, drinks, new shoes and blisters. 

There’s been Christmas, dungarees, shopping and gifts. 

There’s been taxi rides, and a lot of people giving me lifts.

There’s been work, there’s been play.

There’s been so much to say. 

There’s been hugs, books and mess. 

In a flat I like to call my best. 

There’s been nightmares and dreams.

And plenty of ice creams.

There’s been naps, TV and films, girlie nights.

Takeaways and postponed flights. 

There’s been trampolining, dancing and a party.

There’s been creativity, a sprinkle of poetry and opportunities to be arty.

There’s been smiles and laughter, giggles and jokes. 

There’s been me supported by the most loving folks. 

There’s been games, selfies and fun. 

And that’s my 31st year done. 

It hasn’t all been bad, I know this for sure. 

I’m just ending this 31st year in a situation that’s quite poor. 

But I’ll get up and look at the mess, 

Smile through the sadness 

And think to myself bring it on, here comes 32.

Forget the negative parts of 31, it’s this next bit I need to get through. 

And so I’ll try. 

I won’t cry.

I’ll get through today

Surely? I’ll find a way. 

No hope around

 No Hope around

There’s this atmosphere around
One where no hope is found
One where anxiety and fear surround.
There’s this mood that’s stuck
One where I don’t give a fuck
One where I can be found in this rut.
The fear is so so strong
Where everything feels wrong
Which makes things last so long
The negative overpowers everything 
Where the bad news gives me a sting
Where the fear of the future knows to me it needs to cling 
This feels like the opposite of heaven, this feels like hell
That the things I have bottled up inside I need someone to tell
That on the experiences I’ve experienced do I dwell. 
There is nothing changing, nothing improving, nothing getting better
There is this Monster that is out to get her
There is news that arrives that is bound to upset her. 
I don’t feel able to do this any more. 
I’ve had enough of feeling bad to the very core
I’m done with this all making my brain so sore.
I don’t understand this world, this life
Where so many people are living in strife
And where mental illness is so rife