Have I said too much? Have I said too little?

Have I said too much? Have I said too little?

Have I said too much?
Has inpatient admission become something I shouldn't touch?
There's this thing in this system, 
Where say too little, you'll be dragged, 
kicking and screaming on a section, 
something you said was flagged.
Or where you say too much, 
and they chuck you out left to fend for yourself,
with your mind a muddle, of your not so great mental health. 
However much of a risk to yourself you may be. 
It doesn't make sense and it's not always consistent.
But there it is, the UK's completely messed up system. 
And when you're in, you must not be deemed to high risk, a danger. 
Or otherwise they'll send you home 
saying inpatient doesn't work for you 
and you'll become a system stranger. 
But at the same time when you're inpatient
You are a risk, that's why you're there. 
With a bunch of thoughts, problems and anxieties, 
it's probably best to share. 
But then you have to learn to trust the staff,
to say when you're having a bad day, hour, minute. 
The trust building takes time 
and depending on how long your stay is,
can be the making or breaking of you.
Talk about it, people say, 
but sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.
How do you express something you don't understand, 
or how do you talk when talking seems to have got you nowhere or in trouble. 
Most people who have opened up have also been hurt and misunderstood.
They've done it before, and the backlash means it's not worth it, even if you could.
The system is flawed, whether you're in it, out of it or going back and fourth. 
You'll ask yourself everyday, have I said too much, have I said too little?
Inpatient, crisis team, day service, wherever you may be dropped into the system. 
Just know it's not magic, nothing is, not even hospital. 
The system is flawed, believe me, I know. 
It's certainly not family or friend, maybe enemy or maybe foe. 
Don't forget it's a system, not one person. 
So shout and scream all you like, make sure you are heard. 
Some people you'll trust, others you won't.
But just remember it's broken, you're broken, other people are broken. 
So all the lines into and out of the system have become completely blurred. 
But you've got this.
Hold onto trying to get what you need. 
But also remember with this messed up system,
you'll never know exactly where it will lead.

Written by Steph Corris - June 2019 - whilst inpaitent