Here I am

Here I am

Here I am, scared of my own mind and what I would do if I were left alone. 

Here I am, silently anxious, over analysing each recent conversation I've had.

Here I am, surely they think I'm wasting a bed, I'm just sorry it turned out this way.

Here I am, the OCD monster in my head, stripping me of any certainty I thought was there.

Here I am, the A&E phone is ringing, no one is answering. Please someone pick it up. The noise keeps going. 

Here I am, waiting for a bed, there's a long wait they say. I don't think it's ever any different. 

Here I am, sorry I'm a waste of space, as people pour into A&E, surely someone is more deserving of my bed. 

Here I am, the urge to leave and try and hurt myself so strong. But I'm resisting. 

Here I am, staying put for now, I don't want to be sectioned so I must comply. 

Here I am, still scared of my own thoughts and the OCD monster in my head. 

Here I am, I don't know what's the illness speaking and what's just me. 

Here I am, still contemplating suicide, could even ligature right here, right now.

Here I am, I could just shut the door and do it and be found much later. 

Here I am, I MUST stop myself. Don't do anything Steph, you can't. 

Here I am, fighting to choose life, trying to climb out of this deep, dark pit. 

Here I am, I can't even complete suicide, do you know of how much of a failure I feel?

Here I am, wishing this was all over, not just for me but for all those around me. 

Here I am, I'm sorry, I really am, I don't understand this mess in my mind. 

Here I am, should have just done it, shouldn't I? Chosen something a little more 'final.'

Here I am, shouldn't have called the ambulance, should have completely emptied the pill box.

Here I am, convinced someone, everyone, is silently judging me. 

Here I am, angry, pissed off that I am here, angry that I clung onto that tiny thread of hope. 

Here I am, not knowing where I'll end up, a bed could come up anywhere. 

Here I am, knowing admission is not magic but hoping I'll find some hope. 

Here I am, why on Earth am I still here? I really can't find the strength to carry on. 

Here I am, hoping the 72 hour inpatient admission somehow changes my mind set. 

Here I am, taking up a bed in A&E I don't deserve, waiting for an acute bed I don't deserve. 

Here I am, dreaming of a time I'm not scared of my own mind. 

Do I even have control any more? 

Whose going to win? 

Steph, the Steph I am when I'm well or the anxiety and OCD monster that lives in my head?

Written by Steph Corris - 6th June 2019 - whilst in A&E