Dear Church

Dear Church

Dear Church,

My brain is an interesting place to be, 

All that I long for is to be, to feel, free.

OCD is hard to explain but what I call it is the monster in my head.

The monster never sleeps and “do this, do that, or else” he said.

I’m exhausted all the time, but sleep never fixes it. 

All I can see that surrounds me is this deep, dark pit.

The numbers and rituals never leave me alone at peace.

The intrusive thoughts, that I’ve harmed others or others are to come to harm never cease. 

For me it’s not about tidying or cleaning, it’s hidden for me.

For the most part my anxiety, depression and OCD is hard to see. 

It mainly feels like the claws of the monster are ripping my brain to shreds. 

Sometimes there’s a conflict going on, almost like I have 2 heads. 

My anxiety may show when I have a panic attack and the fear gets too much. 

Then there’s the depression which at the moment feels like meds can’t even touch.

What a lot of people won’t ever understand is the self harm.

If you knew exactly what my mind was like, you maybe would see it brings me calm.

I’m sorry if my scars or my ability to hurt myself offend you.

I’m just glad that if they do it’s not something you’ve been through.

It’s also hard to explain my desire to die.

But my mind is a hard place to stay, even for a while. 

Stay in my head for a time and I don’t think you’ll be there long. 

It’s not even somewhere where I feel I belong. 

I hope this helps you just a little bit 

to understand what I go through, it’s very hard and each day takes determination and grit.

But baby steps of progress is still progress. 

10 steps forward and 8 back is not to regress.

It is the right direction, 

I can see on reflection. 

Ask me questions, I don’t care 

If it helps you understand mental health that’s good, 

because you know what? 

Mental illness is not fair. 

There's this place...

There's this place...

There's this place my mind goes to often. 
It's full of darkness, of death, of the want to die. 
When my mind is there concentrating on anything else is an impossible task.
It taints everything with a negative lense.
It's restricting and depressing. 
It tells me that there is no "best is yet to come."
It says that people will be better off without me, that there's no point holding on. 
It removes any amount of hope I may have found.
Sometimes my mind goes there for an hour, sometimes it's weeks or months at a time. 
It thieves me of enjoyment, laughter and fun.
There is things I'm looking forward to but when my mind goes to this place they disappear.
It's a place fill of trouble and empty of all peace.
It fixes my gaze on all things negative and wrong. 
It robs me of all joy and my ability to achieve 'normal' things.
It happens quickly, often without warning. 
It happens in a way that others wouldn't notice, which means it's ever harder to deal with.
It rejects breakthrough, progress and recovery. 
It longs me to stay feeling this way forever. 
It's scared of hope and scared of help.
It messes up my logic, my thought patterns and messes with my beliefs.
Describing it to people is not enough for others to understand.
It feels impossible to stay in this place, but also impossible to escape. 
It makes you feel rejected, alone and unloveable.
And it assumes everything bad that happens is your fault. 
Nothing seems enough, enough to come out the other side or enough to carry on.
Death seems the only answer but even that seems difficult and beyond your capabilities. 
It drains you of energy and you feel exhausted despite often sleeping more. 
It's a dark, dark place, I would wish it on no-one. 
But somehow, in this messed up mind I believe I deserve to feel this bad.
I don't feel brave or strong. I feel like I'm failing. 
Sometimes I even feel like I'm failing at failing as I'm still here. 
Just know this pit is very very deep and I don't feel me or anyone can help me get out. 

Hope - song version

When I first wrote Hope I knew I wanted it to be sung. Thankfully I have very talented friends who can give it a tune and sing it beautifully, and Jess has done just that. It can be listened to on 

https://soundcloud.com/moose1991-1/hope

Hope

Hope

It's in the rising and the setting of the sun.
It's in the love of the three in one. 
It's in the happy days and friendships full of fun. 
It's in the words and thoughts of the wise ones. 

Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.

And I must find a reason, 
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay. 
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive 
And say goodbye to the desire to die. 

Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.

It's in the smile and love of the one you don't know. 
It's in His presence during your worst low. 
It's in the journeys and the destinations you will go. 
It's in the seeds grown and the ones yet to sow. 

Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.

And I must find a reason, 
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay. 
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive 
And say goodbye to the desire to die. 

It's in the deep and meaningful chats still yet to come. 
It's in the miracles He's already done. 
It's in the fresh crisp air on your morning run.
It's in the victory on the cross that He's already won. 

Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.

And I must find a reason, 
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay. 
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive 
And say goodbye to the desire to die. 

He's the hope within the shadows.
The hope within the shadows.

He's the hope in the tough times.
Hope within the rough times.

He's the hope I hold onto
when everything's wrong, 

Stay near, hold me near. 
Take away this crippling fear. 

He's the hope in the tough times,
hope within the rough times
and He holds me near. 


Written by Steph Corris - August/ September 2019

The Reality of God

The Reality of God

When you've never felt so far the reality is that the word says you are always near however far you feel. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When I can't find the words or headspace to pray the reality is that you know my every need, and just whats on my heart. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When I can't tangibly feel your presence any more the reality is it's not about a feeling, and you promise never to leave me no matter what I 'feel.'

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When I feel unloveable the reality is you sent your son as the biggest gesture of love in all of history. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle the reality is you have already won the war. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When it feels like I'm walking on rocky ground the reality is you have been and can be my firm foundation again if I chose you. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When I feel dirty and scarred, useless to anyone and everyone the reality is you love me as I am, make me white as snow and give me purpose. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When it feels like when I pick up the Bible to read it's unreadable and un-relatable the reality is your word is the living, breathing gift from you, readable and relatable. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When my anxiety is sky high and the battle with the anxiety and OCD monster in my head stops me from stepping into church the reality is church is community, is family and is always worth the struggle. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When life gives me lemons and I don't have the energy to make lemonade the reality is that it's Jesus who is the one who can make beauty out of brokenness. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When I feel tired beyond what sleep can fix the reality is that God is the one who can recharge and refresh me. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When all hope seems lost and tomorrow seems full of fear and doubt the reality is that Jesus is the hope of the world, pouring out hope to his children. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 

When it feels like the darkness is all consuming and I'm not equipped for the fight the reality is Jesus is the light and the one who not only equips me for the fight but sticks by my side in every high and every low. 

Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light. 
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight. 


Written by Steph Corris - 25th August 2019

28

28

28 is drawing near,

and yes I am completley full of fear.

27 has been hard,

actually that’s the understatement of the year. 

How can I celebrate a year more? 

When every single breath is such a chore. 

26 & 27 were bad enough.

How can I be hopeful for 28? 

28, I want to scream “come at me.” 

All I long for is for my mind to be free. 

This time I’ll spend my day in hospital.

But it’s been decided here is safe. 

With the fear of facing another year, like this. 

If I go now, I’m nothing you’ll miss. 

My chest is tight with anxiety 

And my mind full of intrusive thoughts.

If 28 can’t teach me to control this mess

Then I’ll make heaven my permanent address

I cannot deal with another year of torment.

The stuff my mind puts me through on the daily.

You couldn’t even make this up

I’m constantly telling the monster in my head to “shut up.” 

If growing older has taught me anything 

It’s taught me that life is tough 

But ultimately I’m slowly learning that I am too. 

Inspired by Brooke, Maddi, Tracy, Perry, Tori, Debs - my psych ward crew. 

I’m holding onto a thread of hope. 

Clinging on with just my little finger. 

Some days it feels enough to get me to 28.

Other days I just can’t get past the next calendar date. 

28, oh you fill me with terror. 

28, I’m so scared of what you’ll throw at me. 

27 has been tougher than tough

28, I beg you, please, give me a new lease of life. 

28, please give me freedom, peace of mind and hope. 

Just a little more hope.

28, please, please, please save me from my own mind. 

28, even if I just whisper “come at me”

Please let that be enough.

I don’t have enough fight and I don’t have enough energy to shout. 

Please let the whisper be enough, 28. 

28, Thursday, I will get through this. I must.

Have I said too much? Have I said too little?

Have I said too much? Have I said too little?

Have I said too much?
Has inpatient admission become something I shouldn't touch?
There's this thing in this system, 
Where say too little, you'll be dragged, 
kicking and screaming on a section, 
something you said was flagged.
Or where you say too much, 
and they chuck you out left to fend for yourself,
with your mind a muddle, of your not so great mental health. 
However much of a risk to yourself you may be. 
It doesn't make sense and it's not always consistent.
But there it is, the UK's completely messed up system. 
And when you're in, you must not be deemed to high risk, a danger. 
Or otherwise they'll send you home 
saying inpatient doesn't work for you 
and you'll become a system stranger. 
But at the same time when you're inpatient
You are a risk, that's why you're there. 
With a bunch of thoughts, problems and anxieties, 
it's probably best to share. 
But then you have to learn to trust the staff,
to say when you're having a bad day, hour, minute. 
The trust building takes time 
and depending on how long your stay is,
can be the making or breaking of you.
Talk about it, people say, 
but sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.
How do you express something you don't understand, 
or how do you talk when talking seems to have got you nowhere or in trouble. 
Most people who have opened up have also been hurt and misunderstood.
They've done it before, and the backlash means it's not worth it, even if you could.
The system is flawed, whether you're in it, out of it or going back and fourth. 
You'll ask yourself everyday, have I said too much, have I said too little?
Inpatient, crisis team, day service, wherever you may be dropped into the system. 
Just know it's not magic, nothing is, not even hospital. 
The system is flawed, believe me, I know. 
It's certainly not family or friend, maybe enemy or maybe foe. 
Don't forget it's a system, not one person. 
So shout and scream all you like, make sure you are heard. 
Some people you'll trust, others you won't.
But just remember it's broken, you're broken, other people are broken. 
So all the lines into and out of the system have become completely blurred. 
But you've got this.
Hold onto trying to get what you need. 
But also remember with this messed up system,
you'll never know exactly where it will lead.

Written by Steph Corris - June 2019 - whilst inpaitent 

Here I am

Here I am

Here I am, scared of my own mind and what I would do if I were left alone. 

Here I am, silently anxious, over analysing each recent conversation I've had.

Here I am, surely they think I'm wasting a bed, I'm just sorry it turned out this way.

Here I am, the OCD monster in my head, stripping me of any certainty I thought was there.

Here I am, the A&E phone is ringing, no one is answering. Please someone pick it up. The noise keeps going. 

Here I am, waiting for a bed, there's a long wait they say. I don't think it's ever any different. 

Here I am, sorry I'm a waste of space, as people pour into A&E, surely someone is more deserving of my bed. 

Here I am, the urge to leave and try and hurt myself so strong. But I'm resisting. 

Here I am, staying put for now, I don't want to be sectioned so I must comply. 

Here I am, still scared of my own thoughts and the OCD monster in my head. 

Here I am, I don't know what's the illness speaking and what's just me. 

Here I am, still contemplating suicide, could even ligature right here, right now.

Here I am, I could just shut the door and do it and be found much later. 

Here I am, I MUST stop myself. Don't do anything Steph, you can't. 

Here I am, fighting to choose life, trying to climb out of this deep, dark pit. 

Here I am, I can't even complete suicide, do you know of how much of a failure I feel?

Here I am, wishing this was all over, not just for me but for all those around me. 

Here I am, I'm sorry, I really am, I don't understand this mess in my mind. 

Here I am, should have just done it, shouldn't I? Chosen something a little more 'final.'

Here I am, shouldn't have called the ambulance, should have completely emptied the pill box.

Here I am, convinced someone, everyone, is silently judging me. 

Here I am, angry, pissed off that I am here, angry that I clung onto that tiny thread of hope. 

Here I am, not knowing where I'll end up, a bed could come up anywhere. 

Here I am, knowing admission is not magic but hoping I'll find some hope. 

Here I am, why on Earth am I still here? I really can't find the strength to carry on. 

Here I am, hoping the 72 hour inpatient admission somehow changes my mind set. 

Here I am, taking up a bed in A&E I don't deserve, waiting for an acute bed I don't deserve. 

Here I am, dreaming of a time I'm not scared of my own mind. 

Do I even have control any more? 

Whose going to win? 

Steph, the Steph I am when I'm well or the anxiety and OCD monster that lives in my head?

Written by Steph Corris - 6th June 2019 - whilst in A&E

Different

Different

Well this is different.
Everything feels different this time. 
I don't need to, in fact, I shouldn't 
Pretend that all is absolutely fine.
It feels different, this admission,
it will be less than a week. 
And I know, and I'm really trying to concentrate,
to focus on finding the hope I desperately seek. 
Somewhere I've got to find the want, the desire
to live. So here I am, I must look hard,
I must remember that recovery is out there, 
that I can get better, they aren't just words on a card. 
If I say it to my friends then it applies to me too.
Those words, those encouragements. 
I must listen, they are for me. 
And as I am inpatient yet again,
even where you have this distorted view of reality.
I must know I can be free. 
Everything feels somewhat like a dream, 
like it's a different Steph sobbing and crying my eyes out. 
Well, actually, no, it's not a dream. 
I can pinch myself, and this nightmare, oh, it's so real,
without a shadow of a doubt.
The ward it's different to my previous two, 
I am no longer someone who knows how it works. 
As I try and adjust to new staff, new patients and new routines
I realise being inpatient somewhere different has next to no perks. 
I have to choose my actions and words carefully.
I have to prepare myself to go home from day 1.
I must choose to talk if I need help or I am going to hurt myself.
I must not, ever, run. 
The quiet here is quite unusual.
I'm really not used to quiet. 
I'm not sure I like it. 
I think maybe it gives my mind too long to overthink, 
over analyse and dig myself deeper into the dark pit.
That's whats happened at home, when I made a plan, 
a ridiculous plan that didn't even do anything at all. 
Oh man, I wish I'd planned it better. 
Wish I'd never called 999, 
Why would I do that when I couldn't even give the crisis team a call?
Absolute failure is what I feel, and maybe you'll argue with me, 
pleased I didn't finish the job. 
But me, I just can't even get that right. 
It will just be me, sat there, 
not going through with the thing I most want to do, having a sob.
When I cry get me out here I'm not even sure if my confused brain means it. 
Is this even my brain?
I sit here watching the sun break through the cloud, 
and I'm reminded of the saying 
'It's not about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain.'
And that is what I shall try, 
to dance despite the storm. 
To know, even as I sit in this deep, dark, cold pit, 
that there is sun coming, 
there is a way out, 
a way out into the warm.

Written by Steph Corris - 8th June 2019 - whilst inpatient 

Expectation vs Reality

Expectation vs Reality

Expectation is that I'll feel ready by Tuesday to go home.

Reality is that despite the support around me I'll still feel alone.

Expectation is that I could take my own life when no one is around.

Reality is that, her on jade ward, the likelihood is that I'll be found.

Expectation is that it's easy to talk to staff when you have something to say. 

Reality is you'll hide in your bedroom attempting to pluck up the courage all day.

Expectation is that I'll be completely honest with what my brain is doing. 

Reality is I'll do my best at hiding all the emotions that have been brewing. 

Expectation is that there is hope and that I can dig out hope from deep within me. 

Reality is I can no longer find any anywhere, hope is something I can't see.

Expectation is that I can keep myself safe here.

Reality is 2 ligature attempts in 2 days as I shed a tear.

Expectation is that recovery starts after I leave this place. 

Reality is that I'm unsure if I even want to be in this race.

Expectation is that I won't be able to laugh or smile.

Reality is that it is possible to do these things once in a while.

Expectation is that I can ask for help when I'm finding things hard.

Reality is that the struggle I've faced has left me permanently scarred. 

Expectation is you will make improvements whilst on this ward.

Reality is that you spend most your time here just feeling bored. 

Expectation is when you leave, you leave ready to fight.

Reality is there is none left within me, even when I try with all my might. 

Expectation is family and friends are enough to stop you. 

Reality is nothing is enough anymore, if only they knew.

Expectation is hard. Reality sucks. 

And Reality vs Expectation is bloody difficult for anyone to comprehend. 

Written by Steph Corris - 22nd May 2019 - whilst inpatient