Dear Church

Dear Church

Dear Church,

My brain is an interesting place to be, 

All that I long for is to be, to feel, free.

OCD is hard to explain but what I call it is the monster in my head.

The monster never sleeps and “do this, do that, or else” he said.

I’m exhausted all the time, but sleep never fixes it. 

All I can see that surrounds me is this deep, dark pit.

The numbers and rituals never leave me alone at peace.

The intrusive thoughts, that I’ve harmed others or others are to come to harm never cease. 

For me it’s not about tidying or cleaning, it’s hidden for me.

For the most part my anxiety, depression and OCD is hard to see. 

It mainly feels like the claws of the monster are ripping my brain to shreds. 

Sometimes there’s a conflict going on, almost like I have 2 heads. 

My anxiety may show when I have a panic attack and the fear gets too much. 

Then there’s the depression which at the moment feels like meds can’t even touch.

What a lot of people won’t ever understand is the self harm.

If you knew exactly what my mind was like, you maybe would see it brings me calm.

I’m sorry if my scars or my ability to hurt myself offend you.

I’m just glad that if they do it’s not something you’ve been through.

It’s also hard to explain my desire to die.

But my mind is a hard place to stay, even for a while. 

Stay in my head for a time and I don’t think you’ll be there long. 

It’s not even somewhere where I feel I belong. 

I hope this helps you just a little bit 

to understand what I go through, it’s very hard and each day takes determination and grit.

But baby steps of progress is still progress. 

10 steps forward and 8 back is not to regress.

It is the right direction, 

I can see on reflection. 

Ask me questions, I don’t care 

If it helps you understand mental health that’s good, 

because you know what? 

Mental illness is not fair.