There's this place...

There's this place...

There's this place my mind goes to often. 
It's full of darkness, of death, of the want to die. 
When my mind is there concentrating on anything else is an impossible task.
It taints everything with a negative lense.
It's restricting and depressing. 
It tells me that there is no "best is yet to come."
It says that people will be better off without me, that there's no point holding on. 
It removes any amount of hope I may have found.
Sometimes my mind goes there for an hour, sometimes it's weeks or months at a time. 
It thieves me of enjoyment, laughter and fun.
There is things I'm looking forward to but when my mind goes to this place they disappear.
It's a place fill of trouble and empty of all peace.
It fixes my gaze on all things negative and wrong. 
It robs me of all joy and my ability to achieve 'normal' things.
It happens quickly, often without warning. 
It happens in a way that others wouldn't notice, which means it's ever harder to deal with.
It rejects breakthrough, progress and recovery. 
It longs me to stay feeling this way forever. 
It's scared of hope and scared of help.
It messes up my logic, my thought patterns and messes with my beliefs.
Describing it to people is not enough for others to understand.
It feels impossible to stay in this place, but also impossible to escape. 
It makes you feel rejected, alone and unloveable.
And it assumes everything bad that happens is your fault. 
Nothing seems enough, enough to come out the other side or enough to carry on.
Death seems the only answer but even that seems difficult and beyond your capabilities. 
It drains you of energy and you feel exhausted despite often sleeping more. 
It's a dark, dark place, I would wish it on no-one. 
But somehow, in this messed up mind I believe I deserve to feel this bad.
I don't feel brave or strong. I feel like I'm failing. 
Sometimes I even feel like I'm failing at failing as I'm still here. 
Just know this pit is very very deep and I don't feel me or anyone can help me get out.