No fight

To continue to fight is just too hard

I have spent too much of my life on guard

From my feelings, from my past

I don’t know how much more of this I can last. 

I’m trying, I’m trying hard, I really, really am

Maybe you don’t see it, maybe you don’t give a damn.

The man, this horrible man, must go away

Please, please, please I try and pray

I have no tears, I cannot cry

It’s not any more, but my life was a big fat lie. 

I’m too honest now for my own good

Probably saying far too much than I should.

He haunts me every day with what’s in my head,

The images, the videos fill me with dread. 

They are from a horror film I swear 

Of all the people of whom I care. 

The incidents I have are me losing a bit of the fight

Even if you don’t see them as ‘right.’ 

You’re annoyed, you’re frustrated a lot

I wish you’d just leave me be, to just rot. 

I’m on these stupid 10 minute obs. 

Reminding me of all the freedom that mental illness robs. 

I don’t have leave, but I need to get out.

You’re upset when my distress results in a shout.

I need to harm myself, it might help, I tell you 

But you say “we can’t let you do that, you’ve got to get through.” 

We’re going round in circles, again and again, round and round. 

In this place I guarantee you, no hope is found. 

My heart has been ripped to shreds as I battle this war

I don’t know who I am any more, even down to my very core. 

You think I’m out to physically hurt the team

Even though that’s what it might seem

It’s not the truth. I told you yesterday

But hurting myself, yes, that is the only way.