Talk about it
7 steps forward, 8 steps back.
Of motivation, do I considerably lack.
How much longer, I ask myself, can I cope?
I long for, my heart to be filled, filled up with hope.
How much more of this hurt can I bare?
People around me exclaiming this isn't fair.
Some people encourage me, telling me I'm smashing it.
I don't know anymore, how much of this smile is faking it.
I've got through, just about, every bad day so far.
Wish I could bottle up my fight and keep it in a jar.
The monster up inside of my head
Wishes for nothing more than for me to be dead.
But I've got to fight,
Right?
I've got to keep this life going.
Even if it takes up my everything.
Even when I'm exhausted and tired.
I know deep down, keep going I should.
It seems so very, very dark.
As on my leg the razor does mark.
It hurst, I feel the pain.
But nobody stops going, even after the day of rain.
I must look for the good,
That is something I should.
People send me love and prayer
And I remind myself of this in the midst of this nightmare.
It's okay not to be okay
The world around me does say.
Talk about it.
Even when the voices chat shit.
When the system let's you down.
Chews you up, spits you out and leaves you with a frown.
Talk about it.
When the mould doesn't fit.
Talk about it.
Ask a friend to come by and sit.
Talk about it.
The world does say
And talk about it you may.
Phone a friend, a brother, a sister, a daughter, a son.
Away from it do not run.
Talk about it.
Or the ladder may never find its way into your pit.
Call the number, the helpline.
They'll reach out, hopefully give you a lifeline.
And onto that you must cling.
Night and morning, even as the birds sing.
Hold on tight.
Find your fight.
Talk about it.
Please, talk about it.
Sunday, 17 November 2019
Monday, 7 October 2019
Self Expression Group Poem
During my most recent hospital stay there was a group called Self Expression where we were given a photo, very similar to this one and asked to write a short piece on it. I opted for a poem, of course!
The water hits the rocks, making a crash.
The salty water causing such a splash.
The sun over the horizon is seen.
The early morning swimmers have already been.
Time here almost stands stilled.
Almost, until the beach has been filled.
There, in the distance, there is a lighthouse shining.
For this is the weather the holiday makers are pining.
Off the rocks people do dive.
The residents of this town surely do thrive.
They are big and fierce, the waves.
And if you search hard enough you will find the caves.
This place is wild and free.
Where else would you want to be?
Wellbeing group poetry
During a recent wellbeing group we wrote some group poetry a line at a time, where only the line before was given for you to continue the poem. What was created were 5 pieces of poetry surprisingly beautiful and they flowed. So I thought I would share them on here for you to enjoy.
The stars were shining in the dark sky.
Just before the rain started pouring
there was a glimpse of the summer sun.
While resting in the grass
I find myself enjoying the summer breeze,
bringing with it the smell of the sea.
This reminds me of relaxing,
feeling my heart stop racing, feeling my breath slow down.
It was a calming moment.
Moonlight shadows on the lake,
cool breeze against the trees.
Under the tree I admired it's branches
The birds sang sweetly as the sun shone
The sun was bright and the flowers were in bloom.
But the voice in my head could only scream,
from the tiredness within me
keeping me awake.
Tea is comforting,
Tea is how I start my day.
I like to look out the window at the view.
The view is beautiful and calming
But the noise is scary and loud,
from the scary film.
I hide alone from the thoughts surrounding me,
waiting for something.
There's not a cloud in the sky today.
The sky is blue, the mood is grey.
The clouds in the sky, thoughts are floating.
I admired the sky and wondered if the clouds knew how beautiful they look.
The grass was soft and I laid there for a long time while I dreamed.
I suddenly woke to the sound of a tractor.
Spring had finally sprung.
Man with a tan relaxing in the California sun,
lazing around and having fun.
Watching funny films,
with family and friends
is time well spent.
Having time to sit and ponder and not be rushed in anything I do today,
living in the moment,
living my best life.
Things were getting clearer at last.
The stars were shining in the dark sky.
Just before the rain started pouring
there was a glimpse of the summer sun.
While resting in the grass
I find myself enjoying the summer breeze,
bringing with it the smell of the sea.
This reminds me of relaxing,
feeling my heart stop racing, feeling my breath slow down.
It was a calming moment.
Moonlight shadows on the lake,
cool breeze against the trees.
Under the tree I admired it's branches
The birds sang sweetly as the sun shone
The sun was bright and the flowers were in bloom.
But the voice in my head could only scream,
from the tiredness within me
keeping me awake.
Tea is comforting,
Tea is how I start my day.
I like to look out the window at the view.
The view is beautiful and calming
But the noise is scary and loud,
from the scary film.
I hide alone from the thoughts surrounding me,
waiting for something.
There's not a cloud in the sky today.
The sky is blue, the mood is grey.
The clouds in the sky, thoughts are floating.
I admired the sky and wondered if the clouds knew how beautiful they look.
The grass was soft and I laid there for a long time while I dreamed.
I suddenly woke to the sound of a tractor.
Spring had finally sprung.
Man with a tan relaxing in the California sun,
lazing around and having fun.
Watching funny films,
with family and friends
is time well spent.
Having time to sit and ponder and not be rushed in anything I do today,
living in the moment,
living my best life.
Things were getting clearer at last.
Sunday, 22 September 2019
Dear Church
Dear Church
Dear Church,
My brain is an interesting place to be,
All that I long for is to be, to feel, free.
OCD is hard to explain but what I call it is the monster in my head.
The monster never sleeps and “do this, do that, or else” he said.
I’m exhausted all the time, but sleep never fixes it.
All I can see that surrounds me is this deep, dark pit.
The numbers and rituals never leave me alone at peace.
The intrusive thoughts, that I’ve harmed others or others are to come to harm never cease.
For me it’s not about tidying or cleaning, it’s hidden for me.
For the most part my anxiety, depression and OCD is hard to see.
It mainly feels like the claws of the monster are ripping my brain to shreds.
Sometimes there’s a conflict going on, almost like I have 2 heads.
My anxiety may show when I have a panic attack and the fear gets too much.
Then there’s the depression which at the moment feels like meds can’t even touch.
What a lot of people won’t ever understand is the self harm.
If you knew exactly what my mind was like, you maybe would see it brings me calm.
I’m sorry if my scars or my ability to hurt myself offend you.
I’m just glad that if they do it’s not something you’ve been through.
It’s also hard to explain my desire to die.
But my mind is a hard place to stay, even for a while.
Stay in my head for a time and I don’t think you’ll be there long.
It’s not even somewhere where I feel I belong.
I hope this helps you just a little bit
to understand what I go through, it’s very hard and each day takes determination and grit.
But baby steps of progress is still progress.
10 steps forward and 8 back is not to regress.
It is the right direction,
I can see on reflection.
Ask me questions, I don’t care
If it helps you understand mental health that’s good,
because you know what?
Mental illness is not fair.
Tuesday, 10 September 2019
There's this place...
There's this place...
There's this place my mind goes to often.
It's full of darkness, of death, of the want to die.
When my mind is there concentrating on anything else is an impossible task.
It taints everything with a negative lense.
It's restricting and depressing.
It tells me that there is no "best is yet to come."
It says that people will be better off without me, that there's no point holding on.
It removes any amount of hope I may have found.
Sometimes my mind goes there for an hour, sometimes it's weeks or months at a time.
It thieves me of enjoyment, laughter and fun.
There is things I'm looking forward to but when my mind goes to this place they disappear.
It's a place fill of trouble and empty of all peace.
It fixes my gaze on all things negative and wrong.
It robs me of all joy and my ability to achieve 'normal' things.
It happens quickly, often without warning.
It happens in a way that others wouldn't notice, which means it's ever harder to deal with.
It rejects breakthrough, progress and recovery.
It longs me to stay feeling this way forever.
It's scared of hope and scared of help.
It messes up my logic, my thought patterns and messes with my beliefs.
Describing it to people is not enough for others to understand.
It feels impossible to stay in this place, but also impossible to escape.
It makes you feel rejected, alone and unloveable.
And it assumes everything bad that happens is your fault.
Nothing seems enough, enough to come out the other side or enough to carry on.
Death seems the only answer but even that seems difficult and beyond your capabilities.
It drains you of energy and you feel exhausted despite often sleeping more.
It's a dark, dark place, I would wish it on no-one.
But somehow, in this messed up mind I believe I deserve to feel this bad.
I don't feel brave or strong. I feel like I'm failing.
Sometimes I even feel like I'm failing at failing as I'm still here.
Just know this pit is very very deep and I don't feel me or anyone can help me get out.
There's this place my mind goes to often.
It's full of darkness, of death, of the want to die.
When my mind is there concentrating on anything else is an impossible task.
It taints everything with a negative lense.
It's restricting and depressing.
It tells me that there is no "best is yet to come."
It says that people will be better off without me, that there's no point holding on.
It removes any amount of hope I may have found.
Sometimes my mind goes there for an hour, sometimes it's weeks or months at a time.
It thieves me of enjoyment, laughter and fun.
There is things I'm looking forward to but when my mind goes to this place they disappear.
It's a place fill of trouble and empty of all peace.
It fixes my gaze on all things negative and wrong.
It robs me of all joy and my ability to achieve 'normal' things.
It happens quickly, often without warning.
It happens in a way that others wouldn't notice, which means it's ever harder to deal with.
It rejects breakthrough, progress and recovery.
It longs me to stay feeling this way forever.
It's scared of hope and scared of help.
It messes up my logic, my thought patterns and messes with my beliefs.
Describing it to people is not enough for others to understand.
It feels impossible to stay in this place, but also impossible to escape.
It makes you feel rejected, alone and unloveable.
And it assumes everything bad that happens is your fault.
Nothing seems enough, enough to come out the other side or enough to carry on.
Death seems the only answer but even that seems difficult and beyond your capabilities.
It drains you of energy and you feel exhausted despite often sleeping more.
It's a dark, dark place, I would wish it on no-one.
But somehow, in this messed up mind I believe I deserve to feel this bad.
I don't feel brave or strong. I feel like I'm failing.
Sometimes I even feel like I'm failing at failing as I'm still here.
Just know this pit is very very deep and I don't feel me or anyone can help me get out.
Sunday, 8 September 2019
Hope - song version
When I first wrote Hope I knew I wanted it to be sung. Thankfully I have very talented friends who can give it a tune and sing it beautifully, and Jess has done just that. It can be listened to on
https://soundcloud.com/moose1991-1/hope
https://soundcloud.com/moose1991-1/hope
Tuesday, 3 September 2019
Hope
Hope
It's in the rising and the setting of the sun.
It's in the love of the three in one.
It's in the happy days and friendships full of fun.
It's in the words and thoughts of the wise ones.
Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.
And I must find a reason,
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay.
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive
And say goodbye to the desire to die.
Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.
It's in the smile and love of the one you don't know.
It's in His presence during your worst low.
It's in the journeys and the destinations you will go.
It's in the seeds grown and the ones yet to sow.
Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.
And I must find a reason,
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay.
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive
And say goodbye to the desire to die.
It's in the deep and meaningful chats still yet to come.
It's in the miracles He's already done.
It's in the fresh crisp air on your morning run.
It's in the victory on the cross that He's already won.
Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.
And I must find a reason,
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay.
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive
And say goodbye to the desire to die.
He's the hope within the shadows.
The hope within the shadows.
He's the hope in the tough times.
Hope within the rough times.
He's the hope I hold onto
when everything's wrong,
Stay near, hold me near.
Take away this crippling fear.
He's the hope in the tough times,
hope within the rough times
and He holds me near.
Written by Steph Corris - August/ September 2019
It's in the rising and the setting of the sun.
It's in the love of the three in one.
It's in the happy days and friendships full of fun.
It's in the words and thoughts of the wise ones.
Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.
And I must find a reason,
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay.
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive
And say goodbye to the desire to die.
Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.
It's in the smile and love of the one you don't know.
It's in His presence during your worst low.
It's in the journeys and the destinations you will go.
It's in the seeds grown and the ones yet to sow.
Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.
And I must find a reason,
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay.
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive
And say goodbye to the desire to die.
It's in the deep and meaningful chats still yet to come.
It's in the miracles He's already done.
It's in the fresh crisp air on your morning run.
It's in the victory on the cross that He's already won.
Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.
And I must find a reason,
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay.
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive
And say goodbye to the desire to die.
He's the hope within the shadows.
The hope within the shadows.
He's the hope in the tough times.
Hope within the rough times.
He's the hope I hold onto
when everything's wrong,
Stay near, hold me near.
Take away this crippling fear.
He's the hope in the tough times,
hope within the rough times
and He holds me near.
Written by Steph Corris - August/ September 2019
Monday, 26 August 2019
The Reality of God
The Reality of God
When you've never felt so far the reality is that the word says you are always near however far you feel.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When I can't find the words or headspace to pray the reality is that you know my every need, and just whats on my heart.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When I can't tangibly feel your presence any more the reality is it's not about a feeling, and you promise never to leave me no matter what I 'feel.'
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When I feel unloveable the reality is you sent your son as the biggest gesture of love in all of history.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle the reality is you have already won the war.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When it feels like I'm walking on rocky ground the reality is you have been and can be my firm foundation again if I chose you.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When I feel dirty and scarred, useless to anyone and everyone the reality is you love me as I am, make me white as snow and give me purpose.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When it feels like when I pick up the Bible to read it's unreadable and un-relatable the reality is your word is the living, breathing gift from you, readable and relatable.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When my anxiety is sky high and the battle with the anxiety and OCD monster in my head stops me from stepping into church the reality is church is community, is family and is always worth the struggle.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When life gives me lemons and I don't have the energy to make lemonade the reality is that it's Jesus who is the one who can make beauty out of brokenness.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When I feel tired beyond what sleep can fix the reality is that God is the one who can recharge and refresh me.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When all hope seems lost and tomorrow seems full of fear and doubt the reality is that Jesus is the hope of the world, pouring out hope to his children.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When it feels like the darkness is all consuming and I'm not equipped for the fight the reality is Jesus is the light and the one who not only equips me for the fight but sticks by my side in every high and every low.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
Written by Steph Corris - 25th August 2019
When you've never felt so far the reality is that the word says you are always near however far you feel.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When I can't find the words or headspace to pray the reality is that you know my every need, and just whats on my heart.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When I can't tangibly feel your presence any more the reality is it's not about a feeling, and you promise never to leave me no matter what I 'feel.'
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When I feel unloveable the reality is you sent your son as the biggest gesture of love in all of history.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle the reality is you have already won the war.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When it feels like I'm walking on rocky ground the reality is you have been and can be my firm foundation again if I chose you.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When I feel dirty and scarred, useless to anyone and everyone the reality is you love me as I am, make me white as snow and give me purpose.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When it feels like when I pick up the Bible to read it's unreadable and un-relatable the reality is your word is the living, breathing gift from you, readable and relatable.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When my anxiety is sky high and the battle with the anxiety and OCD monster in my head stops me from stepping into church the reality is church is community, is family and is always worth the struggle.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When life gives me lemons and I don't have the energy to make lemonade the reality is that it's Jesus who is the one who can make beauty out of brokenness.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When I feel tired beyond what sleep can fix the reality is that God is the one who can recharge and refresh me.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When all hope seems lost and tomorrow seems full of fear and doubt the reality is that Jesus is the hope of the world, pouring out hope to his children.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
When it feels like the darkness is all consuming and I'm not equipped for the fight the reality is Jesus is the light and the one who not only equips me for the fight but sticks by my side in every high and every low.
Jesus, in the darkness I pray you are my light.
Jesus, against depression, anxiety and OCD, equip me for this fight.
Written by Steph Corris - 25th August 2019
Wednesday, 17 July 2019
28
28
28 is drawing near,
and yes I am completley full of fear.
27 has been hard,
actually that’s the understatement of the year.
How can I celebrate a year more?
When every single breath is such a chore.
26 & 27 were bad enough.
How can I be hopeful for 28?
28, I want to scream “come at me.”
All I long for is for my mind to be free.
This time I’ll spend my day in hospital.
But it’s been decided here is safe.
With the fear of facing another year, like this.
If I go now, I’m nothing you’ll miss.
My chest is tight with anxiety
And my mind full of intrusive thoughts.
If 28 can’t teach me to control this mess
Then I’ll make heaven my permanent address
I cannot deal with another year of torment.
The stuff my mind puts me through on the daily.
You couldn’t even make this up
I’m constantly telling the monster in my head to “shut up.”
If growing older has taught me anything
It’s taught me that life is tough
But ultimately I’m slowly learning that I am too.
Inspired by Brooke, Maddi, Tracy, Perry, Tori, Debs - my psych ward crew.
I’m holding onto a thread of hope.
Clinging on with just my little finger.
Some days it feels enough to get me to 28.
Other days I just can’t get past the next calendar date.
28, oh you fill me with terror.
28, I’m so scared of what you’ll throw at me.
27 has been tougher than tough
28, I beg you, please, give me a new lease of life.
28, please give me freedom, peace of mind and hope.
Just a little more hope.
28, please, please, please save me from my own mind.
28, even if I just whisper “come at me”
Please let that be enough.
I don’t have enough fight and I don’t have enough energy to shout.
Please let the whisper be enough, 28.
28, Thursday, I will get through this. I must.
Friday, 21 June 2019
Have I said too much? Have I said too little?
Have I said too much? Have I said too little?
Have I said too much?
Has inpatient admission become something I shouldn't touch?
There's this thing in this system,
Where say too little, you'll be dragged,
kicking and screaming on a section,
something you said was flagged.
Or where you say too much,
and they chuck you out left to fend for yourself,
with your mind a muddle, of your not so great mental health.
However much of a risk to yourself you may be.
It doesn't make sense and it's not always consistent.
But there it is, the UK's completely messed up system.
And when you're in, you must not be deemed to high risk, a danger.
Or otherwise they'll send you home
saying inpatient doesn't work for you
and you'll become a system stranger.
But at the same time when you're inpatient
You are a risk, that's why you're there.
With a bunch of thoughts, problems and anxieties,
it's probably best to share.
But then you have to learn to trust the staff,
to say when you're having a bad day, hour, minute.
The trust building takes time
and depending on how long your stay is,
can be the making or breaking of you.
Talk about it, people say,
but sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.
How do you express something you don't understand,
or how do you talk when talking seems to have got you nowhere or in trouble.
Most people who have opened up have also been hurt and misunderstood.
They've done it before, and the backlash means it's not worth it, even if you could.
The system is flawed, whether you're in it, out of it or going back and fourth.
You'll ask yourself everyday, have I said too much, have I said too little?
Inpatient, crisis team, day service, wherever you may be dropped into the system.
Just know it's not magic, nothing is, not even hospital.
The system is flawed, believe me, I know.
It's certainly not family or friend, maybe enemy or maybe foe.
Don't forget it's a system, not one person.
So shout and scream all you like, make sure you are heard.
Some people you'll trust, others you won't.
But just remember it's broken, you're broken, other people are broken.
So all the lines into and out of the system have become completely blurred.
But you've got this.
Hold onto trying to get what you need.
But also remember with this messed up system,
you'll never know exactly where it will lead.
Written by Steph Corris - June 2019 - whilst inpaitent
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