32

 I wrote this in July 2023 on my 32nd birthday.

32

Today is my 32nd birthday.

In some ways I don’t know what to say. 

I’m on a section three.

I’m so far from what I’d call free. 

I get a few hours leave tonight.

I have to keep that constantly in sight. 

Saturday is a celebration with my team. 

To the world, all positive, it will seem.

I do know though, that the aftermath with be rough 

The comedown, with the return to the ward will be tough

The want to be alive isn’t within reach right now. 

I honestly don’t know what to do, or even how. 

To survive the next day, week, month, year.

In a life filled to the brim with sadness, darkness and fear. 

But I’m trying to look forward, to hold some hope.

Because in the last years even if it hasn’t seemed it, I’ve just about managed to cope. 

I don’t know when I’ll get out of this place. 

Because it’s then that life in all its scariness I will have to face. 

There will be a day in the future when my mental illness will leave me be and not attack. 

So today as it’s my birthday I’ll be concentrating on looking forward, but first let’s have a little look back. 

Please know 31 hasn’t all been bad.

Though I’m leaving my 31st year pretty sad. 

There’s been friends, a new pet rabbit and a hired hot tub. 

There’s been theatres, restaurants and the pub. 

There’s been family, flamingos, love and care. 

There’s been cocktails, hotels, pink and blonde hair. 

There’s been play parks and nieces, nephews and sisters. 

There’s been cuddles, reunions, drinks, new shoes and blisters. 

There’s been Christmas, dungarees, shopping and gifts. 

There’s been taxi rides, and a lot of people giving me lifts.

There’s been work, there’s been play.

There’s been so much to say. 

There’s been hugs, books and mess. 

In a flat I like to call my best. 

There’s been nightmares and dreams.

And plenty of ice creams.

There’s been naps, TV and films, girlie nights.

Takeaways and postponed flights. 

There’s been trampolining, dancing and a party.

There’s been creativity, a sprinkle of poetry and opportunities to be arty.

There’s been smiles and laughter, giggles and jokes. 

There’s been me supported by the most loving folks. 

There’s been games, selfies and fun. 

And that’s my 31st year done. 

It hasn’t all been bad, I know this for sure. 

I’m just ending this 31st year in a situation that’s quite poor. 

But I’ll get up and look at the mess, 

Smile through the sadness 

And think to myself bring it on, here comes 32.

Forget the negative parts of 31, it’s this next bit I need to get through. 

And so I’ll try. 

I won’t cry.

I’ll get through today

Surely? I’ll find a way.