Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD Diagnosis

During my first admission into psychiatric hospital the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder or emotionally unstable personality disorder was talked about in one of my ward rounds. Ward round happens weekly and a nurse from the ward, yourself and the psychiatrist meet together to discuss your admission, how you’re doing, discharge, medication and diagnoses. This was when BPD was first thrown in the mix for me. However it was mentioned by a doctor who had only met me in one ward round and wasn’t the normal psychiatrist I saw in ward rounds and therefore I dismissed the thought of this as a diagnosis straight away. 

It was during my other admissions following that one that I was given the official diagnosis of BPD and first I wasn’t happy or convinced that it fit my problems at all. I knew I suffered with anxiety, depression and OCD but this extra diagnosis just didn’t seem to be me. I hadn’t suffered trauma as a child and my parents had done a great job of raising me and my sisters. At first, all I knew about BPD was that most people that suffer from it have experienced trauma as a child. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me and I didn’t get on too well either so I just decided at the beginning that he was wrong and so he put BPD traits as my diagnosis rather than just straight out BPD. 

During another admission on the same ward, with the same doctor he changed it to BPD and at first again I was not happy or convinced. But I started to research BPD a bit more and discovered whilst a large number of sufferers have experienced trauma you don’t have to have to be diagnosed. At this point I was starting to realise some of the things I could relate to and that maybe the psychiatrist had been right, although it still pains me to say it! They say you must experience at least 5 of of following to be diagnosed so I will go through each one and say how I relate to it. These were taken from the Mind website, the link is below. 

• You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.
• For me, fear of abandonment is there but it’s not extreme.

• You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).
• This is true for me some of the time, again I wouldn’t say I experience this to the extreme. 

• You don't have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you're with.
• My self esteem and sense of who I am waivers quite a lot. In some circumstances I feel very confident about who I am and what I do, other times I feel like a complete failure of a person, who I dislike very much. 

• You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.
• This isn’t true for me. 

• You feel empty a lot of the time.
• This isn’t true for me. 

• You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugsor driving dangerously).
• This isn’t true for me at all.

• You often self-harm or have suicidal feelings.
• This is very true for me. 

• You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.
• I have only started to recognise that some of my feelings I experience strongly are anger. 

• When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.
• I have experienced both of these in crisis before.

 https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/about-bpd/

Being diagnosed with BPD, for me, was quite a long, stressful and challenging process and time. At first I completely disagreed with the diagnosis but I agree with it now and realise that knowing what I am struggling with is only going to help me improve my life and work through the challenges that BPD presents. Many people think those with BPD are manipulative and challenging in relationships with short tempers and challenging behaviour but I urge anyone to just get to know the person, rather than jumping to any conclusions. BPD does not define a person but if you struggle with it, recognising that you do, can be the start of your journey to recovery as you learn more about you and how your mind works.