One year

One Year

One year ago today my life changed. I went to a gig in Brighton with my friend Keturah, I socialised with people, I enjoyed myself, I had a smile on my face and I laughed. But nobody knew what I had planned for that night, I planned to take my own life. Thankfully I found some bravery somewhere deep down and I told Keturah how much I was struggling, and what my plans for that evening were. She had no idea. Nobody would have. 

At this point she demonstrated how amazing a friend she was as she sat with me in A&E for hours on end waiting to see the psych liaison team to decide where to go from there. She sat with me until the early hours as I cried and as I grew more and more weary and unwilling to stay any longer. At a certain point Keturah had to leave me and I was given a bed in CDU, the clinical decisions unit. Nobody else knew what I was going through at this point, I hadn't yet found the bravery to tell my family. 

The next day, I dug deep for the confidence to share what was going on with my sister. The rest of my family didn't even know I'd been struggling with my mental health at this point. My sister was an absolute life saver and communicated all that I wanted with the rest of my family. 

It was decided, by the psych liaison team that a stay in psychiatric hospital would benefit me, as the state I was in with self harm and suicidal thoughts was life threatening. 

I spent much of my time in CDU sat in the corner of my room on the floor crying or having panic attacks, the other part of my time I paced the corridors. There was only one person successful in helping me up from my crying, screaming state on the floor and that was a nurse called Jess. Jess helped me literally pick myself up from the floor and start to turn my life around. 

After a couple of days in CDU, I felt unable to stay and tried to leave. It was at this point the psych liaison team sectioned me on a 5.2 (72 hour section) for my safety. They thought that if I left I would try and harm myself or take my own life. After 6 days in CDU I was given a bed in a psychiatric ward in Chichester, 36 miles from home. I ended up staying in Chichester for a month before moving to a more local unit. 

What followed in the last year has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, of admissions into hospital, of suicidal thoughts and attempts, of self harm, of both speaking out and of bottling it all in. I never thought my year would turn out how it did, but I shall remember this year for the rest of my life.

But this year, I've learnt so much. I've learnt about myself, I've learnt how to dig deep and find the bravery and confidence to speak out when I'm struggling. I've cried tears I thought would stay bottled up forever and I've fought intrusive thoughts, urges, rituals and compulsions like I was in a war. I've hurt myself far too often and I've left scars on my skin forever, but I've also grown. I've grown into this 28 year old woman who can speak up about suicide, self harm, anxiety, BPD and OCD. I've grown in confidence and I've grown in bravery.

One year ago today my life changed. I went to a gig, I socialised with people, I enjoyed myself, I had a smile on my face and I laughed. But nobody knew what I had planned for that night, I planned to take my own life. Thankfully I found some bravery somewhere deep down and I told someone, and that was the bravest thing I've ever done in my life. Nobody would have had any idea I was struggled but because I spoke out I received help that I so needed at that point. 

Please reach out if you are struggling, it might just save your life. 
Please speak to people if you think they are struggling with self harm or suicidal thoughts, it might just save their life.