Dear Recovery

Dear Recovery

Dear recovery,

You scare me more than you’ll ever know. 

You are close to me, 

within my touch, 

within my reach

Yet you’ve also never felt so far away

Recovery,

you stare me in the face desiring me to look into your eyes 

and for me to fall in love with you

But when you’ve learnt how to live hating yourself and destroying yourself 

doing the opposite seems impossible, unreachable. 

And though it’s hard to say, undesirable.

I have fallen in love with ruining myself 

and so falling in love again, 

this time with you is just not possible.

Dear recovery, 

you choose people,  

Sometimes you choose those that seem the furthest away from you 

and you try and entice them near 

like offering candy to a small child. 

You’ll do anything to get them 

but I’m onto you recovery. 

I know what you’re doing.

You try and convince me to love myself and I can’t do that so I can’t be with you. 

You try and make me want to live 

and when I’ve spent so long wanting to die 

how do I do that?

Dear Recovery,

You scare me because I’m scarred permanently with the marks of this mental illness, 

even if I’m with you there will be reminders that I’ve been where I am now. 

I can’t deal with the way you target those around me to inspire me. 

Sometimes I’m jealous 

Other times I’m just done with you wrecking my head 

by being with them and not with me. 

I’ll never be like them, I’ll never hold on to you as tight as they manage to.

Even when I want you recovery 

I have decided you are too good to be true 

and I sure as hell don’t deserve you. 

Dear recovery,

I’m here reaching for you on some days 

And turning you away on the next 

You want to embrace me

But I’m not so sure you’re right for me?

I live with the voice in my head so against me

How you can be so for me? 

Dear Recovery, 

Oh boy do you scare me

When I’m battling with those who care for me?

They want me to hold your hand 

Run with you into the sunset 

And never look back

But recovery

Some days I’ll hold your hand and run with you 

Other days I’ll let go and escape from your reach

Some days I despise you

Other days I desire you

You confuse me recovery

My mind is unsure what to make of you

But I’ll tell you this recovery

You make me want to shout at you

In anger, in rage because I don’t understand you

And in love and hope because you’re the only unchanging thing I could possibly cling to.

Dear recovery,

Why do you feel so unreachable 

Why do you scare me 

When all you want is me to reach out to you

I don’t know who I am with you, 

But in all honesty I don’t know who I am without you either.

There is hatred, 

there is anger,

 there is the a self destruction button 

that I’ve pressed far too many times.

Dear recovery, 

Everyone expects me to be best friends with you 

to want you more than I want anything else

But what happens if sometimes, just sometimes,

I want the thing that I’m used to.

The mess in my mind is what I’m used to

And sometimes my comfort zone is all I want to know 

But, recovery, it’s about time I leant on you, 

 learnt from you 

and spent time with you 

So please help me recovery, 

even when I’m unsure, 

help me to choose you. 

each day I need to make a choice 

and despite our dodgy History 

And what the voice in my head might say

I want that choice to be you recovery