Monday 16 December 2019

Dear Anxiety


Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,
You take up so much time in each thought that travels through my mind, 
creating what if scenarios, and forever keeping my brain whirring.
You keep me up at night, whispering in my ear;
Have you thought about this? Have you thought about that? 
Questioning everything, even my own existence. 
You’ve broken me anxiety. 

Dear Anxiety, 
You never leave me alone, at peace, 
Your requirements are that I think about things often and in great detail.
In more detail than those around me and diving deeper into the what ifs than the average person.
You are constantly there, like a gremlin on my shoulder. 
You persist and persist, quizzing me about everything and everyone. 
The feeling of dread never deserts me, and feels heavy on my chest every waking moment. 
Normal people feel you for a while and then you go away, 
But I feel you to the extreme and you never go away. 
You’ve broken me anxiety. 

Dear Anxiety,
You’ve wrecked my 2019 and you fill my next year with fear, 
because I don’t know if I can get past you anxiety. 
I don’t know how to leave you outside and never invite you in again. 
You’ve haunted me for so long and ruled my life since I was a teenager. 
Anxiety, you’ve made me hurt myself, cry myself to sleep and hurt other people in the process of learning to live with you. 
If I can’t get rid of you completely I don’t know what I’ll do as I have no clue how to thrive with you by my side. 
You’ve broken me anxiety. 

Dear Anxiety, 
Most of the time I have no words for you but today I’m writing you this letter begging you to please, please, please leave me alone. 
You’re slowly ruining me and taking away my sense of belonging, sense of hope and sense of purpose. 
I never thought I’d let you stop me doing the things I love, slowly but surely you’ve seeped in, gatecrashing every moment, and taking away my joy. 
You’ve broken me anxiety. 

Dear Anxiety, 
You’re a deadly disease, but people don’t understand that they think that you’re just in jumbled up heads. 
Theres been times I think I’ve made you up but how can I have made you up when the physical affects of you take over me.
Like when the panic rises over the level I can manage and the attack begins.
You’ve broken me anxiety. 

Dear Anxiety, 
the weight of you on my chest and on my shoulders is unbearable. 
The hyperventilating, the fast heart rate, the sweaty palms, the hiding wherever I can, all come hand in hand with the racing thoughts and the muddled mind. 
I can’t hide you anxiety, in my mind and body you have made your home. 
But it can’t stay this way. 
You’ve broken me anxiety. 

Dear Anxiety, 
I’m done with you being the one in control. 
I’m done with you dictating what I can and cannot do. 
I’m done with the way you have stolen my joy and purpose. 
I’m done with the way you’ve robbed me of the things I love the most, including my job. 
I’m done with the way you tell me this way is the right way to do life. 
I’m done with the exhaustion. 
I’m done with you anxiety, you no longer are going to be in charge. 
For this body and mind you’ve inhabited is not yours but mine. 
And I’m claiming it back.

Dear Anxiety,  
I’m claiming back the time you’ve stolen from me. 
I’m claiming back the thoughts you’ve taken over.
I’m claiming back the energy you take up and the job you robbed me of.
I’m claiming back the mind you’ve made confused, disjointed and disorganised.
I’m claiming back the control. 
I’m claiming back the thoughts of life and not those of death. 
I’m claiming back the fun you’ve taken from me
And I’m claiming back the enjoyment 
because you’ve drained me of everything I am anxiety 
so I’m saying HERE is where I start again and rebuild what you have broken. 

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