3 weeks

3 weeks

I don’t think you’ll understand 

but today marks three weeks self harm free. 

All I want to do is self sabotage, I want to

Ruin it.

I can't explain why 

but that's where my brain goes 

when I’ve been three weeks self harm free.

If you don’t understand, I’m glad.

The feeling of three weeks self harm free.

It means you haven’t experienced that

Dark place.

I'm still suffering

In silence this time

When I've been three weeks self harm free.

I’m loudly proud 

of being three weeks self harm free.

But then comes the feelings, that I’m not

sick enough. 

Not sick enough for support,

not worthy of any help

when I’ve been three weeks self harm free.

I’m quietly anxious

of being three weeks self harm free.

Anxious I’ll slip up, ruin my streak, and 

mess up.

Mess up I will not, 

I beg my mind, please,

When I’ve been three weeks self harm free.

The urges are high

battling through three weeks self harm free.

I cannot cave. I will not give in, I must 

resist the urges

like Jesus facing Satan, in 

the wilderness,

when I’ve been three weeks self harm free.

Missing the euphoria 

and being three weeks self harm free.

The adrenaline gone, not there, 

completely absent 

I can’t miss the feeling,

surely? 

when I’ve been three weeks self harm free.

The scars are fading 

because I’m three weeks self harm free.

The marks that cover my body, disappearing 

slowly, slowly.

The body confidence I’ve never had may come, 

or maybe it won’t, 

when I’ve been three weeks self harm free.

It’s a weird, mixed feeling

of being three weeks self harm free.

I can’t decide whether I like it, or whether

it kills me. 

Doing it makes me feel alive, and now 

it’s gone, 

when I’ve been three weeks self harm free.

Be proud, they say,

I’m three weeks self harm free.

Be happy, they say, 

Embrace it, they say. 

Enjoy it, they say.

Not yet, I say, 

when I’ve been three weeks self harm free.