Dear Church

Dear Church

Dear Church,

My brain is an interesting place to be, 

All that I long for is to be, to feel, free.

OCD is hard to explain but what I call it is the monster in my head.

The monster never sleeps and “do this, do that, or else” he said.

I’m exhausted all the time, but sleep never fixes it. 

All I can see that surrounds me is this deep, dark pit.

The numbers and rituals never leave me alone at peace.

The intrusive thoughts, that I’ve harmed others or others are to come to harm never cease. 

For me it’s not about tidying or cleaning, it’s hidden for me.

For the most part my anxiety, depression and OCD is hard to see. 

It mainly feels like the claws of the monster are ripping my brain to shreds. 

Sometimes there’s a conflict going on, almost like I have 2 heads. 

My anxiety may show when I have a panic attack and the fear gets too much. 

Then there’s the depression which at the moment feels like meds can’t even touch.

What a lot of people won’t ever understand is the self harm.

If you knew exactly what my mind was like, you maybe would see it brings me calm.

I’m sorry if my scars or my ability to hurt myself offend you.

I’m just glad that if they do it’s not something you’ve been through.

It’s also hard to explain my desire to die.

But my mind is a hard place to stay, even for a while. 

Stay in my head for a time and I don’t think you’ll be there long. 

It’s not even somewhere where I feel I belong. 

I hope this helps you just a little bit 

to understand what I go through, it’s very hard and each day takes determination and grit.

But baby steps of progress is still progress. 

10 steps forward and 8 back is not to regress.

It is the right direction, 

I can see on reflection. 

Ask me questions, I don’t care 

If it helps you understand mental health that’s good, 

because you know what? 

Mental illness is not fair. 

There's this place...

There's this place...

There's this place my mind goes to often. 
It's full of darkness, of death, of the want to die. 
When my mind is there concentrating on anything else is an impossible task.
It taints everything with a negative lense.
It's restricting and depressing. 
It tells me that there is no "best is yet to come."
It says that people will be better off without me, that there's no point holding on. 
It removes any amount of hope I may have found.
Sometimes my mind goes there for an hour, sometimes it's weeks or months at a time. 
It thieves me of enjoyment, laughter and fun.
There is things I'm looking forward to but when my mind goes to this place they disappear.
It's a place fill of trouble and empty of all peace.
It fixes my gaze on all things negative and wrong. 
It robs me of all joy and my ability to achieve 'normal' things.
It happens quickly, often without warning. 
It happens in a way that others wouldn't notice, which means it's ever harder to deal with.
It rejects breakthrough, progress and recovery. 
It longs me to stay feeling this way forever. 
It's scared of hope and scared of help.
It messes up my logic, my thought patterns and messes with my beliefs.
Describing it to people is not enough for others to understand.
It feels impossible to stay in this place, but also impossible to escape. 
It makes you feel rejected, alone and unloveable.
And it assumes everything bad that happens is your fault. 
Nothing seems enough, enough to come out the other side or enough to carry on.
Death seems the only answer but even that seems difficult and beyond your capabilities. 
It drains you of energy and you feel exhausted despite often sleeping more. 
It's a dark, dark place, I would wish it on no-one. 
But somehow, in this messed up mind I believe I deserve to feel this bad.
I don't feel brave or strong. I feel like I'm failing. 
Sometimes I even feel like I'm failing at failing as I'm still here. 
Just know this pit is very very deep and I don't feel me or anyone can help me get out. 

Hope - song version

When I first wrote Hope I knew I wanted it to be sung. Thankfully I have very talented friends who can give it a tune and sing it beautifully, and Jess has done just that. It can be listened to on 

https://soundcloud.com/moose1991-1/hope

Hope

Hope

It's in the rising and the setting of the sun.
It's in the love of the three in one. 
It's in the happy days and friendships full of fun. 
It's in the words and thoughts of the wise ones. 

Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.

And I must find a reason, 
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay. 
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive 
And say goodbye to the desire to die. 

Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.

It's in the smile and love of the one you don't know. 
It's in His presence during your worst low. 
It's in the journeys and the destinations you will go. 
It's in the seeds grown and the ones yet to sow. 

Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.

And I must find a reason, 
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay. 
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive 
And say goodbye to the desire to die. 

It's in the deep and meaningful chats still yet to come. 
It's in the miracles He's already done. 
It's in the fresh crisp air on your morning run.
It's in the victory on the cross that He's already won. 

Jesus, hold me near.
Take away my fear.

And I must find a reason, 
And I must find a way.
For on Earth I must stay. 
There is a reason
And there is a way.
I must find the want to be alive 
And say goodbye to the desire to die. 

He's the hope within the shadows.
The hope within the shadows.

He's the hope in the tough times.
Hope within the rough times.

He's the hope I hold onto
when everything's wrong, 

Stay near, hold me near. 
Take away this crippling fear. 

He's the hope in the tough times,
hope within the rough times
and He holds me near. 


Written by Steph Corris - August/ September 2019